I Moved Here.

A Letter To You

To : Friend who does not care about marriage.

Well, I thought you were better than that. I was totally wrong.
And you thought I was better than this, just so you know, you were wrong in every level.

I do not fucking care if you are going to inner or ditching me from your circle but this, this ones going too far. I remember how great I am when you ask me to be your BESTMEN, yeah that is capital best men. Me and Pascal are both honored to be your best men, but I do take it personally when you get caught kissing our former slut who used to be called close friend of ours but from now on called betrayed.

Is it sunny day in Maldives ha ?

And you are enjoying your day with that slut. What about your wife ?
Oh come on, even tough I am gay, I would not do such things like you did.
You bastard cheating on your wife !!

I hope that Maldives giving you the best shit ever.
I hope your black amex leads you to any further island and never comes back.

I hope you get your karma soon.


Best Regards,
Andro

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

Massive traffic jam on the way to Bogor. KM 9 toll Jagorawi udah stuck. Insane !!! Gue udah kesel sendiri. Gue nyupir bawa mobil box item isi 4 orang. Emak babeh gue dibalakang nikmatin macet sambil nonton film, Arlan disebelah gue nikmatin macet sambil nyeruput caramel machiatto anget yang tadi pagi kita beli di starbucks. Dan gue ?? Nikmatin macet sambil mikir mau cari sopir darurat buat gantiin gue. Gak kuat congggggg. Ini pagi gue udah mainan drama sama babeh gue antara mau pake mobil box guede kebanggan dia, atau mau naik super sedan buatan German kebanggaan gue.

Dan sesampainya di Bogor, gue dikejutkan dengan drama tali kasih antara nyokap gue dan sodaranya yang dari Belanda ketemuan di rumah Bogor. Drama banget … nyokap gue ya tuhan, dramaaaa. Pake nangis-nangis bombay campur bahasa belande yang gue sama sekali gak ngerti. Lengkap dengan anak dan suaminya yang eheemmmm aduhai sedap dipandang mata (COTTT BANGET PADAHAL SODARA TAPI TETEP AJA DIKECENGIN !!!). Jyey blablabla, nay blablabla, ich blablabla, kalo gue ditanya cuman bisa jawab yes yes yes. Hahahahaha roaming banget. Si Arlan ketawa geli lantaran dia ngerti bahasanya tapi gue jawabnya ga nyambung.

Sebagai keturunan kompeni dari dua jaman, darah belanda gue memang masih kental dibandingin darah jepang. Terbukti dari oma gue yang sukanya minum teh sambil makan biscuits and ngerokok di sore hari. Its so dutch for me. Kalo gue biasanya ngewine sambil ngeroko sih haha dutch versi gue.

Dikamar.
Arlan : So the month its over. *senyum mesum*
Andro : YESSS THANK GOD !
Arlan : So ?
Andro : I told you before, no hengkipengki !!
Arlan : *Cup, nyipok gue, On My GOOOOOD SPOT*

TINNN TINNNNN ......... Bunyi klakson mobil minta dibukain pintu pager depan rumah.
Gue liat dari jendela.
Gue mau jantungan.
Gue lepas dar badai ciumannya si Arlan.
Gue tahan napas.

SI PASCAL SEKELUARGA DATENG KE RUMAH GUE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****ZOOM OUT*****

Gue mungkin orang teregois sedunia. Gue orangnya plin plan dan paling nggak bisa nerima kenyataan yang ada. Dulu, gue benci banget kalau harus makan malem sendirian. Bokap kerja, nyokap ketemuan sama temen-temennya yang heboh. Dulu, gue benci banget ulang tahun. Bokap bakalan ngasih kado mainan super canggih, nyokap bakalan super sibuk ngurusin acara ulang tahun gue, tapi at the end, mereka berdua malah reunian sama temennya masing-masing dan melupakan gue yang lagi haus akan perhatian. Dulu, gue baik-baik aja dengan ke"rahasiaan" jati diri gue yang sebenarnya, sampai suatu saat gue ngaku kalau gue gay sama Pascal, dan kita end up pacaran walaupun akhirnya kita putus. Dan barusan, gue makin benci sama kenyataan kalau ternyata Pascal yang udah susah-susah gue lupain malah dateng berkunjung kerumah gue ketika gue lagi asik bercumbu sama Arlan .......

*****ZOOM IN*****

FAK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mudick II

Mudik penuh hikmah.

Gue tanpa musti ngedumel kena macet, sampai ke PS (my 2nd fave mall in the town) dengan rambut masih basah bekas mandi tadi. Parfume gue masih kenceng. Dan muka masih senyum lantaran si Arlan disebelah gue duduk manis nurut dan ngangguk-ngangguk bego pas gue bohongin tentang sejarah patung-patung yang ada disepanjang jalur protokol Jakarta Raya ini. Kaya yang patung bunderan Senayan. Gue bilang jaman dulu ada pahlawan yang ngusir penjajahnya pake cara bawa api ditangannya kaya begitu terus kompeni pada kabur soalnya disangkain gila bawa-bawa api sambil setengah telanjang. Hahahaha. Itu kocak banget deh.

Sampai PS. Gue langsung ke Mologue. Arlan pesen kopi. Gue nungguin beduk magrib baru pesen kopi. Dia komen kenapa gue gak makan pas buka, terus gue bilang diet, terus dia komen lagi katanya kalo kurus-kurus gak enak untuk dipeluk, terus gue bilang aja "siapa juga yang mau dipeluk sama looooo …" terus dia ga jawab, malah ketawa sambil geleng-geleng kepala.

Ebuset yaaaa, makin banyak binan judes ya cyn dimana-mana. Terakhir gue senyumin binan itu gue dinaikin alisnya satu oktaf lebih tinggi sambil mau pinjem korsi. Yaaa sutra lah mungkin dese gagu atau gak ngerti bahasa indo jadi gue gak jadi pinjem korsi. Biarin aja si Arlan mikir sendiri gimana caranya bisa dapet korsi. Ehhhh gak lama si Arlan mau duduk pinjem korsi tuh ke si binan judes, dese ngasih korsinya dong sambil senyum. BABIKS !!!! Gue pelototin tuh si Arlan sambil manggil dia supaya narik korsinya cepet-cepet ketempat gue. "Baby, could you be faster than that", si Arlan bengong tiba-tiba gue yang discreet ini manggil dia baby di depan public. "Whats wrong ? Are you ok ?" muka si Arlan keliatan aneh. Gue simply answer him "nope, I'm okay". Gue bisa ngeliat muka tu binan ngedown. Makanya jangan suka judes, gimana mau dapet cowo kalo sukanya judesin orang. Liat bule dikit langsung ngangkang, dasar mental jajahan. Kalau boleh saran sih, kita as pribumi yang musti bikin bule-bule bertekuk lutut. Jangan mau dijajah, harus bisa ngejajah. Hahaha hushh kok jadi marah-marah sih. Abisnya sih dese nyolotttt …

Ini malem takbiran. Arlan nanya kenapa malem-makem begini banyak orang karokean. Gue cuma bisa ketawa sambil googling and ngejelasin tentang takbiran. Terus dia bilang "it is peaceful and beautiful."

Besok pagi gua mau salat ied, terus ada open house dan sorenya cuss ke rumah Bogor.

So, selamat hari raya lebaran, mohon maaf lahir batin !!!

Mudick

Mudik adalah hal yang lumrah bagi setiap orang yang ingit merayakan hari besar keagamaannya bersama-sama sanak saudara di kampung halaman. Dan bagaimana dengan nasip gue yang kampung halamannya nggak jelas ini ???

Well, tahun lalu gue lebaran di KL slash Melbourne. Ke Jakarta cuma numpang drop baggage terus cus ke Melbourne lantaran nenek gue lagi ada disana. Dia mau lebaranan sama adiknya yang udah lama menetap di Negri Kangguru itu.

Dan tahun ini ?

Gue kayaknya mau balik ke Jakarta Raya aja. Kangen sama suasana lebaran yang kental akan beduk, petasan, dan doa-doa dari setiap penjuru masjid yang ada. DAN ARLAN PUN MAKSA UNTUK IKUT KE JAKARTA !

Ya kira-kira percakapan dibawah ini bisa mewakilkan drama-drama yang ada pada kemarin sore.

Andro : Gue balik Indo hari Jum'at balik kerja langsung ke airport.

Arlan : Gue ikut.

Andro : Gila, ya gak bisa lah. Orang dirumah gue gak ada yang tau kalau gue GAY !

Arlan : You don't have to tell anyone anyway. I'll stay at Ritz. I need weekend gate away.

Andro : Terus lu mau main sama siapa disana ? Mau ngapain aja disana ?

Arlan : Jezzzz, chill. Lu kan bisa nyamperin gue ke hotel. Lagian it's not my first time to Jakarta. I want to see it clearly without the traffic jam. *DUHH NYESEL DEH NGEBANGGAIN LEBARAN DI JAKARTA TANPA MACET SAMA DIAAAAAA*

Andro : Nice try but no. You can't go with me.

Arlan : Lu tega apa kalau gue sendirian di KL. It's long weekend. Give me a break.

Andro : If you want a break, you should stay with me at my parents house but with one condition.

Arlan : Tell me.

Andro : No hengki pengki alias gak ada ya minta yang aneh-aneh.

Arlan : DEAL !!!!

SEMOGA AJA LEBARAN TAHUN INI GUE MASIH DISCREET !!!!

I called my mom and ask her permission.

M : Hallo anakku, sombong banget ya jarang nelfon mamanya yang sendirian dirumah. Ada apa anak ??

A : Yee, Andro sering kali nelfon mama, cuma jarang nyambung.

M : Ga usah alesan ya kamu ... Kamu jadi pulang lebaran tahun ini ? Papa gak ada acara kemana-mana. Jadi kita kayanya di Jakarta aja, atau balik ke rumah Bogor kalau mau yang lebih ramai.

A : Iya ma, itu yang mau Andro omongin. Jadi ada temen Andro mau ikutan lebaran di Indo, dia orang eropa. Katanya sih kepengen ngeliat suasana lebaran di Indo dan sekalian long weekend.

M : Oh boleh nak, laki-laki atau perempuan ?

A : Laki, ih mama nih ya kalau Andro ajak perempuan emang boleh nginep dirumah ?

M : Oh ya tentu boleh dong, siapa tau bisa jadi mantu mama sekalian, hahaha *KETAWA HEBRING*

A : Hahaha *KETAWA GARING* Oke ma, nanti Andro telfon lagi ya. Daaaa ... Salam buat papa.

M : Nak .... duh ya kalau urusannya udah beres pasti langsung buru-buru tutup telfonnya deh.

A : Hmmmmmm, kenapa lagi ??

M : Mama titip tas ya. Pakai kartu papa aja.

A : Tas apa ?

M : C**nel suade leather. Warna Item ya .... Kemarin mama cari disini nggak ada loh, mama telfon orang yang di KL katanya ada. Jadi kamu beliin cepet-cepet ya.

A : Iya, besok Andro beliin. Terus papa nitip apa ?

M : Papa gausah, dia udah banyak shopping kemarin Singapore.

A : Oke ma, daaaa ..

M : Da ....

Duhhh susah yeee punya emak hebring. Tapi yaa sutralah, gue udah ijin, dapet ijinnya, tinggal tunggu tanggal mainnya. Mudah-mudahan si Arlan bisa behave. AMINNNN .............

Mr. X & Key Chain Tragedy

I think I have something worth to be told before its getting cold.

I happen to meet Mr. X, my former hot lecture, during my iftar time in Marriott just now !

So here is the story.

As usual, I ordered a steak with Bollinger Grande Annee Rose '99 - vintage - as my drink and sat alone in the corner of the restaurant. I was really enjoyed my day without any company, well I think I get used to it anyway, but then someone, that I know for quiet long time, just showed up and greets me with his english accent.

Yes, he is Mr. X. My hot lecture while back ago when I was still in the university. He is smoking hot ! Wet hair, soft wrinkles on his eyes sides and forehead, his smell, and the way he dress just made my day. Oh My God, how can this guy so adorable, this isn't fair.

Mr. X : "Hey Andro, how are you ? May I sit here ?" Perfect pick up line, I couldn't resist.

Andro : "Oh please, with my pleasure Sir, I've been doing good so far. What about you ?" Lame !! I don't know what to say. I saw his small smile and I just blushed. Jodoh emang gak kemana kali ye ... *PLAK BINAN MUREH !!*

"So what you have been up to ? I mean, do you work or ..." He knew what he did is the best thing to start the conversation. "Um ..." Gua gak tau mau jawab apaan, kalau aja gua bisa jawab "I'm fabulous as usual" would be so much easier compare to my fake answer "I'm doing great and I have a job that pay my bills". Bohong !!! Orang gue masih disubsidi 60% sama bokap gue.

Then gue sama dia ngobrol panjang lebar tentang masa-masa gue belajar dulu. Dia bilang gue sukanya telat tapi somehow gue bisa ngikutin apa yang dia ajarin. Aneh tapi nyata, gue pemales tapi bisa dapet gelar degree with hons. Oh iya dong !!! Orang pelajarannya gampang, ngeanalisis, ngitung, sama nyari jalan keluarnya dengan risk yang paling minim dan masuk akal. Itu jagonya gue. Jago NGELES !! Terus dari situ, gue bales aja kalau dia ngajar itu suka bikin gak fokus, dia ngajar terlalu nyantai, sama terlalu baik malahan. Makanya gue sukanya telat, orang gak pernah dimarahin. Palingan cuma dikasih gelar Mr. Up Coming Next At The Middle Of The Class on my paper work. It doesn't mean anything for me, gak ngaruh kata-kata sarcasmnya. Ngahaha. Terus ya terus ......... DIA NANYAIN SOAL PASCAL !!!

Gue cuma bisa mesem-mesem falsh back, entar apa yang mau gue jawab.

Mr. X : So what about Pascal, is he doing fine too ? Is he still in KL or going back to Jakarta for good ?

Andro : *PLS DEH NANYANYA GAUSAH SEDETAILS ITU BISA GAK* Mmm, he is doing fine, he just got back to Aussie to continue his MBA. He was staying in KL for a year, postponing his MBA and working for some local company in KL. However after many consideration, he is going back to Aussie again.

Mr. X : Well done, I think that was a wise option that he choose. And, if I may know, what kind of job that Indo's fathers doing that they can afford to provide so much privilege to their children. I mean, to be honest, I could not afford that kind of such things for my children. Hahaha *ketawa renyah, senyum menggoda, untung udah buka puasa. BECYEKK*

Andro : *merendah untuk meroket* I don't know, let's called it we are lucky enough to have this but we know how to manage and enjoy it without hurting anyone. Sounds fair ??

Mr. X : Wise ...................

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Puasa dan puasa.

SANSAN BABIK.

ARLAN BABIK JUGA.

Mereka kayanya nggak akan pernah ngerti yang namanya puasa. Menurut gue, puasa itu bukan cuma nahan laper dan haus, tapi nahan hawa nafsu marah dan ngehe.

Sansan masih aja suka usaha ngajakin gue ngeroko bareng disiang bolong, pas otak lagi mumet-mumetnya karena kerjaan gue numpuk. Dia bilang ngeroko bukan minum, dan ngeroko juga buka makan, so for him, gue gak akan batal kalo cuma ngeroko. DIHHH, BERASA YANG BIKIN ATURAN AJE DEH !! Suka-suka dia dan umatnya deh. Gue gak mau ikutan.

Kalo Arlan, dia sukanya ngajakin ngehe pagi-pagi sebelum berangkat kerja. Katanya quicky ? WTF !

Terus dia nanya gak bakalan ada morning season for the rest of the month ? No kissing ? HIHH !!! Gue lempar gym bag gue juga deh nih lama-lama si Arlan. Gue udah jelasin panjang lebar masih aja nggak paham.

Dan, mereka pun jadi suka pergi berduaan. Lunch bareng, ngeroko bareng, ngegym bareng. BYE DEH BYE, gue bodo amatan. Untung aja gue lagi sibuk training ini itu, yaaa jadi lumayan lah gue bisa nyibukin diri gue tanpa musti mikirin mereka.

Oh ya, hari Kamis kemarin gue training di Mandarin Oriental. Terus gue duduk paling depan karena gue tau kalau gue duduk dibelakang, gue bakalan tidur gara-gara lagi puasa dan gak bisa ngopi. KEBAYANG KAANNN ??? Nah, pas lagi chapter decision making itu, tiba-tiba trainer gue ngambil gantungan kunci mobil plus rumah gue terus bilang "If you have five hundred ringgit, would you buy this key chain ?" Gue bengong, liat-liatan sama si Sansan, Sansan ngikik sambil bilang "See ... I told you not to buy that" tanpa suara tapi gue ngerti apa yang dia bilang. Gue bengong terus otomatis ngejawab "I would not buy it", terus trainer gue bilang "Good, that means you on step forward to understand this chapter" sambil ngeremehin gantungan konci gue !!!! Pertarungan baru aja dimulai. Dia harus tau alesan gue kenapa nggak mau beli gantungan kunci itu kalau gue punya uang 500 ringgir.

Andro : Excuse me, would you ask me the reason why I would not buy this key chain if I have five hundred ringgit ?

Trainer : Interesting, we know that anyone here would not buy the key chain for five hundred ringgit because it is too expensive, but well maybe you have another reason ? *Again, ngeremehin gue, dan semua bapak-bapak perut buncit yang ada disana pada ketawa*

Andro : In fact, this is Fendi. The brand that well known as luxury fashion line since more than fifty years ago. This is mink fur which cost more than the money that your offer just now. So, I would not buy or even go to Fendi shop to buy this key chain because I need extra money to bring it home along with me. And if you think this is too expensive, you are wrong, I made the decision to buy the key chain because I can afford this, I am not saying that I have a lot of money. But the thing is, when you make a decision, you will combine three different aspects. Physiological, which I know that my preference, needs, and the values that I am looking for. Second, cognitive, which I solve the problem that I have to put all of my keys in one tools that looks good and luxury for me. And the third is, normative, for me it is logic to buy the key chain that cost me more than one thousand after so my consideration, I can afford this and I solve my problem.

SEISI RUANGAN : LONG PAUSE ......... AWKWARD MOMENT !

Lalalala, urat malu udah gue putusin dari kapan tau. Muka udah tebel gara-gara gue bedakin dari tadi sebelom berangkat kesini. Sansan ?? Tambah ngikik sambil geleng-geleng kepala.

Hahahaha mampus deh tu trainer. Idih .... lagian ya lagi puasa kenapa juga musti nyinyir sih kalau ngasih contoh ??? Dan salahnya dia ngasih contohnya ke gue ! Gue kan binan profesional yang competitivenya duile banget ...............

Balik dari selesei training, gue lagi nunggu mobil gue dianter kedepan lobby hotel. Ada bapak-bapak dateng ke gue terus bilang gini "hmmm no wonder my wife always buy something simple yet so expensive, this is how your people always think ya ..." Gue ngelongos masuk mobil gue terus sambil bilang "cost and pleasure are two different things .........."

GUE MURKAAA !!!

Tiada Kata Terlambat Buat Sadar

I don't do queuing !

Especially when it comes to the bar on the weekend. I was like, WHAT ?! I won't be sitting next to loudly foreigners who would dance if the DJ put some latin music (no offense). And WHAT ?!! I won't be sitting next to curtain or nearby the cashier. And again WHAT ?!!! I won't be sitting to the people who likes doing selfie with their smart phone and expecting the dslr result so that they are going selfie again and again untill God only knows when they are tired taking a selfie.

Take a deep breath and lite some white cigar.

Duh .... Gue gak paham ya kenapa gue yang notabenenya itu regular costumer masih dikasih table yang NO NO NO, Not In Zillion Time gue bakalan duduk disitu. Gue anaknya on time dan kalau pun reservation gue tetep akan on time ! So, dengan penuh percaya dirinya, dengan my new kenzo blazer, dipadu padan dengan calm brown tods shoes plus white polo shirt yang baru gue beli gara-gara gue baru ngeh kalau gue gak punya baju polo warna putih, gue dateng lah ke salah satu IT PLACE di bilangan jantung Kuala Lumpur.

Gue dateng nggak sendiri, barengan sama Arlan. Gue udah siap berangkat dari 10 menit sebelum si Arlan jemput. Kalau kata mba mirna, gue udah kaya mau ke ondangan hahahaha. Sasakan rambut udah okeh, baju udah kece, pacar ?? Belom dateng ..........

Udah sampe lobby ternyata si Arlan naik MOTOR ! Babi, I don't dress to ride some kind of that vehicle gitu loh ! ANGIN ! Udah gitu RAMBUT GUE gimana kabarnya kalo musti pake helmet. Kenzo sama tods gue yang udah nempel masa musti gue ganti lagi sih lantaran gak matching. HAAAAAAAAAAAAH TUHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, gue lupa kalau Arlan hobinya motor-motoran kalau malem minggu. So gue tuker lah dress attires gue menjadi TOMBOY ! Gue pake converse, Gue pake jaket kulit mossimo, Gue pake my black true religion jean dan Gue pake MUKA ASEM GUEEE !!!

Yasutralah yaa, gue pikir jadi binan gak usah manja, gak usah lenje, gak usah kaya orang susah cuma tinggal naik ke kamar terus ganti baju dan masalah pun terselesaikan. TAPI YANG JADI MASALAH ITU ADALAH;

1. Gue udah siap dari 10 menit yang lalu dan ternyata gue musti ganti baju lagi. TAKES TIME !

2. Gue udah reserve tempat tepat jam 9 malem, dan Arlan dateng jemput tepat jam 9 malem juga. Terus balik ke nomer 1.

3. Rumah gue sama tempat kita hang out itu cuma berjarak 200 meter kalau jalan kaki lewat KLCC park, tapi Arlan kekeh kepengen naik kendaraan yang ternyata gue salah duga kendaraannya kaya gimana. Terus balik ke nomer 1 lanjut ke nomer 2.

Kesel kan ? Gue sih kesel banget, OH YAAAAA. The greatest thing that ever happened to us (read; ME) is when we just about arrived to the 57th floor and the staff put us on the waiting list for my reserve table COZ WE HAVE BEEN LATE THEN OUR TABLE WAS GIVEN TO OTHER PEOPLE !

Yea, gue persis duduk di sebelah kasir, belakang gue ada banyak bule kampung yang doyan selfie, terus depan gue ada double date bule yang pas DJnya pasang lagu latin mereka langsung kesurupan joget-joget salsa pembangkit tenaga amarah, terus persis disebelah gue adalah gorden besar yang nutupin tembok biar temboknya terkesan mewah. I AM SO HAPPY ! (FAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)

*************************

Arlan : Hows your drink ? (Nyairin suasana)

Andro : Bitter at the moment. (Judes)

Arlan : Sorry ..... (Gue liat muka dia, Arlan !!! Lu kalau bukan cowo gue, kalau bukan gue sayang looo, kalau aja lu ngerti bahasa indo, udah gueeee maki-maki dehhh)

Andro : It's okay.

Arlan : Then, kiss me (Meleleh ............................................. Binan mureh ! PLAKK)

Well at the end, gue baru sadar kalau yang gue mau itu adalah berduaan sama Arlan. Gak peduli gue pake baju apa, atau tempatnya dimana, yang pasti gue nyesel dan malah kearah lebih lucu kalo diinget-inget kenapa gue musti pake marah-marah (MAKLUM YA CYNNN, GUE BINAN AMBEKAN !!). We spent the night, at my place, near by the window, enjoy our drinks, and make love ..................